Do You Believe In Life After Facebook?

Today I learned that no one will ever hire me and I’m going to be poor forever.

Just kidding, I already knew that. In fact I’ve been paying 6 grand a year for professors to tell me that for half a decade. Today, however, the calculated pessimism made a dent and for the first time ever I considered deleting my Facebook… for about 29 seconds.

I began using Facebook about eight years ago when you still had to be invited to start a profile. Since then so many friends have come and gone. Even now, when Mark Zuckerberg knows what I want to eat for lunch before I feel the slightest ting of hunger, I still think people are crazy not to be on Facebook. How do you remember birthdays or find out about your favorite band’s secret show? I came to terms with having traded my privacy for cute animal videos long ago.

But today, during a four hour long symposium on investigative journalism that I was extremely enthusiastic about – extra credit not being a factor in my attendance whatsoever – a producer from CNN informed me of a wonderful new technology being developed by Facebook. It’s called Facebook Graph and it’s going to ruin your life.

According to this guy, the new Facebook platform will allow employers to search for any picture of you, tagged or not. Facebook says the new search tool will act within the confines of your pre-existing privacy settings, which means we’re all screwed.

I guess if I’m being honest, I signed away my right to any type of meaningful occupation the first time I allowed myself to be photographed taking a shot of tequila. But if this is true, I can’t be the only one. Will employers have to adapt to the idea that if they want to hire anyone under 25, qualified as they may be, there is probably a cloud of unprofessional social media following them? Or will over-acheivers just have to stop being die-hard Beliebers? Is it too late for people like me who have always purposefully ignored friend requests from grandparents and conservative cousins?

I guess the future is uncertain and for now we can just take solace in all of the wonderful things the internet has given us in return for our souls.